I have been going through some stuff lately. I haven't talked about it because talking about it is part of the problem, actually. Honestly, I don't know how to explain right now.
If I try -
I can say that I have learned a fundamental truth about my life:
I care much more for other people then I do for myself.
-Douchebag disclaimer-
This makes me sound so pretentious. Like,
"Ohhhh, all I want is to help other people. It doesn't matter what happens to my body. Sorry that I don't think about myself - as long as I help other people, I'm happy."
Before you start saying I'm full of shit, please understand something. This is ruining my life. Seriously. A person that always puts someone else first tends to fall short in personal relationships and accomplishments. You might say this is up to debate. There are plenty of people (pastors, volunteers, teachers, etc...) that are identified as people that base their lives around making others a priority. Regardless, these people are expected to have a certain sense of self worth. This is paramount for them to do their jobs correctly and for other people to respect them.
This is what I'm getting at. If I want others to have respect for me, it has to be apparent that I have a fair amount of self-respect and self-worth. This is not something I can see or feel in my life - as I know it. I have been unable to demonstrate this to myself. It has been depressing me for almost a year now. If I don't start thinking a little more about myself, I'm going to fall apart. There needs to be a point where I see what I can do on my own. For so long, I've thought that I would always make other people a part of my life, but if I become an empty shell without others...this will begin to permeate through to the outside world. Eventually, the truth will be realized. Not just by others - but by myself. This War will eventually occur. Preparation for this is already underway.
I've decided to put all my efforts into studying abroad for one semester, possibly 2.
My next blog will be my thoughts on where I should go.
My next blog will be my thoughts on where I should go.
